Your Horoscope | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

the girls were reading out horoscopes, so i went to the onion and started giving them the readings without any mention of where it was from. oy, it's lucky i'm the only aquarius in the office:

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
All right, you son of a two-dollar bitch, try this one on for size: "This is a good week to start new projects." Is that ambiguous and nonconfrontational enough for you, you toothless horse-fucked simpleton? Well, is it?
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