hoisted by my own retard.

i might have accidentally created the most brilliant knock knock joke ever. but i'm not going to spoil it by writing it here. you must phone me to hear it.

as a gratuity, here is not the best knock knock joke ever:

knock knock!
who's there?
harold who??
harold would you say i am? honestly, i won't take offence!

vicky just walked in after doing a little shopping and said "you broke a mirror!" i said, "i didn't break it," but she came back with "the whole house will have very bad luck. you must clean it." ach! she is right though - we/i do need to clean, but i spent so long on my own room yesterday that i didn't have time to start on the kitchen.

i 'finished' the guitar version of klein bottle fish tank, but i've decided to re-record bits of it so it's not finished anymore. it is still online however, so if you want to hear a slightly rubbish bass sound and a sample of the playground law belm-off, go to my music page and scroll down.

so i went to london. i printed off 3 copies of womansour (yes, i'm still hawking it out), loaded up the mp3 player with blue jam and toddled. met jo at the station and we went to the foundry to meet ed, jez, and fictious james. this was a great pub, with great music (if too loud, especially [my most used word?] with jez and james shouting 'useless man!' along to the record). here i gave away my first copy of womansour of the evening - a nice man called chris who was at fred's wedding, the same who also requested the lyrics for grilly's christmas song and recieved a scanned copy of the first draft, which i present for the general public here:

and then we went to alex's new house for his house warming, and as a house warming present.. a copy of womansour! no, but, these are going to be worth something one day. the party was great. i haven't got any decent pictures (haha) but there was much dancing and a variety of music, and i only put on two records and wasn't a musical hitler at all, thank you very much jo. everyone was so lovely and i got very drunk. the day after i came across the museum of childhood on my way to danny's, which was a wierd experiance. it was spacious (i.e. largely empty) with examples of toy trains, king kong toys, and disney's v-tech, which i will write up in world o' shit. got to danny's went for a mexican; i had the veggie bolo, tomatoey but tasty. then we went off to see this new sci-fi film, primer, which has to be the best value film ever made; it cost $7000 to make, largely because it is written, directed, produced, and scored by shane carruth, who also plays one of the two leads. it's really about scientific discovery. anyway, for what it's worth, here's the trailer, although it doesn't tell you anything.

the next day we spent ages following dan's friends around the v&a museum looking for the penguin books exhibit, whilst walking straight past some of the most magnificent things i have ever glimpsed. the cast of trajan's column is astounding.

we went for a classic veggie thai buffet:

and then matt arrived and we went off to find the vibe bar to see zabrinski. they were quite good, but after a shite journey from wales with two blowouts, they were soundchecking late, and the sound wasn't so hot especially the vocals which were in constant danger of feeding back. they're a wonderfully melodic band, and didn't have guitarists as much as a guitar section. it would be good if they could create some more original arrangements, and move away from backing tracks, which i have a personal resistance to. they could play those songs completely differently live which would be enormous fun, like the two times i saw the duath; the first time, they tried to play the arrangements on the album but without a melodic singer or trumpet player (on stage, either a tape or an invisible one was somewhere, or maybe memory is playing with me). the next time, they'd changed the songs to fit in with the new outfit, including a trombone which also doubled up some of the guitar parts - a really excellent, creative way to bring studio songs to the live stage. invisible string sections that sound remarkably similar to the recorded one are just a bit disappointing. mat thought they were good, which is pleasing. maybe i expect too much.

the next day was bank holiday, apparently. here's laurence sitting outside the library (interesting grammar point - libre, book: liberty, freedom?).

then we went down to preston park and lay on the grass near some poo and read our books.



what kind of magic spell to use?

What do i do with my weekend? if i stay in brighton, there's bat for lashes on friday, then a celebration of the excellent charlottefield on saturday. both gigs are so scene, i could get my face in all the right places. however, friday is also alexander's housewarming and everyone's invited. it would be great to go up for the night, but hey, why not the whole weekend, after all my big bro lives up there, as do a great deal of my friends, and to cap the deal off, zabrinski have a free gig with sfa djing on sunday night. i've been dying to see zabrinski again since they supported gorky's four years ago, but we're always at opposite ends of the country what a frustrating state of affairs! i'm quite sure i'm veering towards london. i just haven't told anyone up there yet.

laurence has a new bar of soap, and it's chocolate flavour. chocolate soap! it was so great when i first smelt it. mm, chocolatey. chocolatey, but inevitably, still soap. see, at first i was excited that this soap was so chocolately, but quite quickly i relaised that underneath that smell was still soap. chocolatey soap may sound appealing, but what if i said soapy chocolate? sounds disgusting now. it reminds me of lee and herring's conversation about pouring melted chocolate over your lovers genitals. stew explained how this would make their genitals taste better, but rich obviously said how it would surely just make the chocolate taste worse. this is the same thing. it smells of good chocolate, and soap, and the combo ain't too pretty.

i've created a new game too: runny shithead (laur's title). this is normal shit head, but as well as playing doubles and triples of cards, you can also play runs of the same suit, and then combine the two rules to make super-power combos, such as 4 of clubs, 4 of diamonds, 5 of diamonds, 6 of diamonds, 6 of hearts, 7 of hearts.. and then end on a special card for a hyper-combo for extra xps.
it has been noted how i try to turn everything into an rpg. but it's just more fun that way.

i've a new blog, which i hope to run in conjunction with anyone who wants to join (preliminary invites are out to a lucky few): world o' shit. so hopefully you'll never see me whinging about consumer crap stuff on this site again.

had my interview at co-op today (wednesday). the man who interviewed me seemed really nice - he's a psychology student himself, and knows nathan off my course. we chatted, bonded a little, skipped the stupid questions.. my kind of interview. evenings and weekends though.. actually it's a great idea. i can be working but be desperately wanting a different job at the same time, and still have the time to hunt for work, which would be really healthy.

wish me luck?


why are iraqians obsessed with winning?

because second is falujas!

in other news, there's a sign next to the job centre, pointing south, that says:

St. James St.

of course it does. it would do. but it does.

it doesn't matter if it's raining outside, because the log blog is running again.

last night we went round the nextdoor neighbour's house for some beers. two four packs of carling between us, dressed up like it was an OIOI! stag night. flourescent comedy afro wigs, gay pride whistles, and with a heyhey! get this shit off the stereo! check out some party tunes! verse shouts before ejecting their cd onto the floor and putting on some BANGING TUNES! and throwing our hands straight up in the air cause we don't care.

they say twelve people live next door; this should explain why i never recognise any of them.

last night, the next door neighbours invited us round some some beers, but we couldn't even our legs into gear and go round. it was ten o'clock before we realised.


i think that coq roq that actually be the worst thing ever. every page is detestable on every level. i'm not going to quote from it because that would involve going back there, and it's absolutely hideous. quick pointers include the subversive lyrics, the remix section, and their 'political' bass player, 'free range'. people have gone to real effort on this website. hide your faces you marketing scumbags.

oh bejaysus. the night after the hat 'gig' i saw dan the lead singer in the chazza trying on hats. after he'd left, i heard the staff talking about him as if he'd nicked something! as if - he's a local celebrity! dan stealing hats - it would be like, well, norman cook stealing beats.

and then last night we had this really good roast and i thought it would be ok to pour some of the cooking oil onto the veg and oh crikey it was horrible and i felt like that bit in 'three kings' where mark e. mark has crude oil poured down his throat and fortunately we were watching the best bad film, 'gen x cops 2: metal mayhem' courtesy of tommy's adventure in the 99p shop ('everything's under a pound!' what they don't mention is that the pound in question is a dog's home upstairs) so i could live through it. tonight we watched the other side of the dvd (yes! double sided action for under a pound!) 'sworn to justice' which, if it's title had been as descriptive as the other side (or indeed, 'the english man who went up a hill and came down a mountain') would be called 'psychic love vigilante: your men killed my sister and nephew and i want karate tits vengence in my spare time'. it wasn't a good bad film - lead actress cynthia rothrock, a martial arts champion, really sold out by participating in two sex scenes. bruce lee would never do that. but then her love interest kicked arse too, so it works both ways in this film. of course, she couldn't be a mother and a fighter. that just wouldn't do. but maybe i'm just criticising a fusion between two genres i know very little about.

i was down the chazza buying clothes. i spent more money on clothes that day - 50 quid! - than in all my years at university put together. i bought nice three charity shirts for a tenner, but my luck ran out on trousers. i never realised quite how skinny i am, having lived with alex for two years, but i couldn't find a pair that fitted me (there was one, but it was a rank brown colour, i mean completely unwearable darling). so i took myself down primark. fortunately it was closed, but next door was marks and spencer's.. upon enterting the men's section i declared, "bring me four pairs of your cheapest suit trousers!" ultimately i bought the two well fitting pairs they had - 32 waist, 31 leg (actually, 30 waist is a perfect fit, but it felt better having a bit of tuck room). so what brought on this madness? why was i chasing cloth around time all day, having my hair cut and shaving all of a sudden?
compromise, my lovelies. i can always grow my hair once i have a job. it's harder to say, 'you're getting a bit long around the ears' than it is to not hire someone based on some deep-seated shit office prejucide. got i hate service-sector cogs!
i have actually been wondering about killing myself. i mean, really, what is the point? what actually is the point? actually? really? honestly? what's the point? seriously? ooh, i could make the world a better place, but you know.. if you're in dire straits, you've just got even more reason to kill yourself. am i only here to compensate for people who buy battery eggs?
no. i am part of the problem.

i could apologise for that last paragraph, something like 'that's just the dole talking' but it's quite difficult to fault looking back on it.

shit my eyes hurt.

two weeks in the life of...

who's side are you on, boys?

for our protection, apparently.

i can't believe i didn't blog:

my week in an internet company, for which all i got was a golden farewell and the BT hold music stuck in my head.

our dinner party, which was a proper dinner party on two counts: there were so many people some didn't know others, and there were so many people, that people who we didn't realise knew each other turned out to know each other after all. three tins of soyherd's pie, tommy's broad beans, vicky's beetroot/yogurt salad (of which our fridge and now kitchen still stinks [not that the original dish stank {not that i tried it}]), plus rachel's lovely rice.

gay pride/hiroshima memorial day. this started meeting simon in the duke of york's cinema, where we had to lie about our status as parents/gaurdians to get into kid's club to watch kiki's delivery service. when we came out the parade was going past beautifully, and i really did feel proud to live in a country where homosexuals can vote. after lunch, we walked upto preston park and stared at all the unattainable girls. if anyone knows any butch psudeo-lesbians, can they please tell simon? don't worry about me. i'm properly close to giving up, to the point where i'm avoiding opportunities to meet new people, such as the next-door neighbours. preston park was pretty rubbish; just a big carnival. some rides, some market stalls, some army recruitment centres; it seems you're only as gay as the t-shirt you're wearing. i suppose there was nothing there except 'queer mutiny' of any interest to me, except jo from valerie, who, unbelivably, i didn't feel like saying hello to, as she rushed past me in the street. but then everything i know about gay culture is from the artists of irrk records, so don't take my word for it.

we make money, not art.

the creation of dj gallow slutt 's remix of dandy o'howitzer's ;my superb;, which you can hear here (when it's grinding through myspac's machinery). in the meantime, listen to the original here. i'm now working on the proper demo version of 'klein bottle fish tank', after which, 'purple milk', and then maybe a remix of the bobby mcgee's 'no friends'. we'll see.



personality tests generally stink

however, this is the most acuarate one i've ever done.

I Am A: Neutral Good Gnome Bard Ranger

Neutral Good characters believe in the power of good above all else. They will work to make the world a better place, and will do whatever is necessary to bring that about, whether it goes for or against whatever is considered 'normal'.

Gnomes are also short, like dwarves, but much skinnier. They have no beards, and are very inclined towards technology, although they have been known to dabble in magic, too. They tend to be fun-loving and fond of jokes and humor. Some gnomes live underground, and some live in cities and villages. They are very tolerant of other races, and are generally well-liked, though occasionally considered frivolous.

Primary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

Secondary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.

Oghma is the Neutral Good god of knowledge and invention. He is also known as the Binder of What is Known, and is the Patron of Bards. His followers believe that knowledge reigns supreme, and is the basis for everything else that is done. They wear white shirts and pants, with a black and gold braided vest, and a small, box-like hat. All priests of Oghma are known as Loremasters. Oghma's symbol is a scroll.

Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)

here's another, less acuarate but more fun:

draw a pig personality tester

they are a realist.

they are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do they remember dates
they are analytical, cautious, and distrustful.
they are insecure or are living through a period of major change.
they are a good listener

you can't wait for paddington bear, 2005: episode 2.

i appear to have a job, although it's not been made that clear yet. chris said something about "a couple of weeks and we'll see where we are", there are advantages to the casual attidute but i don't have much security at the moment. i did sign something, and it did look a bit like a job contract. but it was the kind of anonymous paper that looked very easy to lose, tear or burn. i don't want to get doosed this early on so i won't say any more (even if this is at home.. i know it won't be long before someone at work (let alone you, barney 87) finds this blog and trawls through it looking for dirt.

i just got this hilarious email from ugsocial (which i will lose access to in a month:

Subject: Do u need pills, replica watches or other stuff?

body: Just mail me back, i will find the best way to buy it.

maybe it's a clue - we should ask if s/he can get hold of dan brown's address..

by the way, an update to my music dowloads: last month totalled off at 772. i think that's quite impressive.

and the most impressive thing about charlie and the chocolate factory is a cameo from two dog walkers.. i couldn't believe it, but it's possibly not as crazy as david schnieder in mission impossible.