the trilogy is complete

i didn't think this would be an emotional moment, but tonight i release my new (old) e.p., 'cloaca' (formerly 'creative people have more sex partners'). these tunes were recorded 2002-2003 in falmer (university of sussex campus) when i didn't have my electric guitar to plug into my laptop, that means before womansour. i always meant to do something with them (see notes on 'go home and be a family man', and the doom 2 concept album), and it's taken me this long to realise they just work on their own, with only two very light editing decisions. so as not to confuse matters, and because i'm not keen on actually releasing them under my own name (shit.. why don't i just say 'brand'?), i'm going to bud off dj gallow slutt into a full blown side project and give him these as his first release (also it's a bit soon after purple milk, but as i said, these are not new recordings).

cloaca 1
cloaca 2
cloaca 3
cloaca 4
cloaca 5
cloaca 6
cloaca 7

this means my three e.p.s set is complete. i think the one cd version is a better idea.. most people who haven't already got womansour or purple milk won't be worth going to the effort of printing a three cd set for. but i still like the idea and would like to maybe do a couple, just for posterity. what would be interesting is how the 3 e.p.s interact while still being on different cds, like 7 soldiers.. theme from woman's hour really belongs on cloaca, the heavy fruity-loop backgrounds of certain bits of womansour were done at the same time, and then we've got the love/sex relationship with purple milk..

this is wierd. what is this feeling? cleanliness? anyway, i've been staring at screens for far too long today, and i want to get up early and have eggs and waffles (although right now the thought makes me feel queasy).

thank you and good night.


lies, damn lies, and quadruple chocolate cookies

honestly. i even asked the man, 'how many kinds of chocolate are there in that?' at first he thought i meant 'what does quadruple mean', but gradually he realised there only three types of chocolate - putting milk chocolate in two different places does not make it a different kind of chocolate.



stop this meme NOW

Four jobs I've had:
data inputter, shop assitant, data inputter, data inputter.

Four places I've lived:
didsbury, durham, brighton. currently i'm not living anywhere.

Four places I'd like to be right now:
whally range, brighton, edinburgh, er.. i'm not so interested in places as situations.

Four things I've done to impress a member of my preferred sex:
smiled and nodded, drawn a flower in paint and emailed it, given her a copy of one of my cds or mixtapes, hmm, in terms of conciously doing, i'm not sure, but most things i probably do are driven by the subconscious desire to impress.

Four things I'm on the verge of learning:
php, how to not destroy a relationship, what is wrong with life, what i'm going to do in april.

Four nationalities I've been mistaken for:
english, greek, welsh, jewish.

Total volume of music files on my computer:
over twenty gigs now, largely at 192kbp.smp3, which i think is about ten days of music. i'm planning a cull.

The last four musics I bought:
euros childs, 'chops', brilliant. not quite gorky's but highly reccomended.
(ordered) zan lyons, 'desolate' i've not picked it up yet, but it's clearly going to be the greatest album of our age.
fantomas/melt banana: split 2" cd. the most expensive cd per minute i've ever bought - seven pounds for under three minutes (even beating gorky's 'tatay', which i spent forty quid on. it was worth it for the three years before the re-release)
alun tan lan, 'y distawrwydd'. this is gorgeous, and not just because i can't understand the (welsh) lyrics. he was supporting and playing with euros (he's supported gruff rhys too) and probably will again. it's really delicate, sensitive music. when i saw him he'd brought six guitars to get through both sets with, which seems a bit excessive, but saves on embarresing re-tuning.

artists i never leave home without (and this is definitive):
super furries
dillinger escape plan
ephel duath
cult of luna
that seem's like it, although i always carry round a stack of stuff done by my freinds and i too.

songs to play at my funeral:
heron, 'lord and master' from 'gather in the mushrooms (various). if there is a god, i really hope it's the one in this song, and the quietly glorious music is well-fit to the subject matter.
cult of luna, 'crossing over' from 'salvation'. so post-metal it's just 'post'.
gorky's zygotic mynci, 'the blue trees' from 'the blue trees'. simply delightful.
simian, 'into the ground' from 'mr. crow'. "without even six friends who could carry you by six cold handles into the ground": the best song about being buried (literally, as metaphorical burial of 'i know it's over).
the smiths, 'i know it's over' from 'the queen is dead'. the best song ever about wanting to be buried.
grilly - 'theme from woman's hour (end credits mix)' from 'womansour'. surely this is the music i should be cremated to?
radiohead, 'true love waits (synth version)', unreleased.

Five people to whom I'm passing the baton:
no-one, THE MEME MUST DIE (and i don't use capials lightly)

although everyone who reads this, please tell us all what songs YOU want played at your funeral. that's a meme worth spreading.


hurrahh for the bbc!

i'm so glad them put that online; a free copy of purple milk to the best photoshops.

i type 'news' into my adress bar, and accidentally hit enter. it takes me to, with the headline, 'Cheney will not face charges in shooting'. i type it again, but then press down to access, which has the rather more startling headline, 'US attacks UN Guantanamo report: The US says a UN report calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay is a "discredit" to the organisation.'

let's make this rank for misguided advertising campaign!
edit: this image has been removed because i can't spell 'cloaca'.

in more good news, there are no results on google for 'recursive yin-yang' so i might be in with a first. i think i'll start off with an animated gif and see if i can do a flash version after that.

i had a vegan ham and cheese toastie for lunch today. can anyone beat that?


peer review

i wanted to put a 'proper' review of crocodileopolis up, but it wouldn't make any sense without talking about how far they've come since their first album, when they were known as 'the christ punchers' (along with several other bands). so here are them reviews.

1: a disappointing evening with the christ punchers.

1. bollocks on tv
a quality straight forward performance of a classic punk song. oddly for 'level 1-1', thom takes the lead vocal, which is very rare in my experience of the band.

2. smooth
the simpons' bass line, gang of four-style drums and random guitar (in fact it is reminiscant of that band's fundamental track 'anthrax') with carlos santana's ode to moisturiser sang and screamed over the top. genius.

3. i'm david bowie
this is not a song. there is no riff, no lyrics or anything. they've got instruments and microphones but don't let that fool you. one of the defining dildano songs, certainly of this era.

4. "doo"
the first (and only) track on the album that sounds like it was recorded properly. a twin-peaks style ballad with wailing early 90's grunge guitar solo. also the first song on the album to refer (possibly) to poo, seemingly dildano's favourite matter. the ending is so good, made better by that little lo-fi bit in the middle that pre-empts it. i swear most of what makes stuff good is the idea of seeding previews of what happens later in things. like harry hill.

5. jump (for my love)
i don't get it. it's fun though.

6. go skippy
"ooh, skippy, you're covered in shit"
"run to the bathroom, skippy".
lovely. what's the word for 'good filler'? something that's not epic but makes an album good. that's what this is.

7. i shit hitler
"everybody dies mr. bond" is definitely the best hook line on the album, and this song is probably lyrically the best track on the album. a steady, grungey riff that carries the whole song.

8. shit eat
in very much the same vain as the last song (unusual for this hugely eclectic record). i'm giggling as i listen to this song, it's so stupid. and that's good - music that sounds this genuinely awful in so many ways, and yet wonderful in others is a real achievement. it's like the second level joke - the joke itself isn't funny, but the context that the joke exists in is. and that's the joke.

9. 21 seconds
er.. yes, it is 21 seconds long, and it makes the album one track longer, but other than that i don't really see the point of this song. it's not really worth writing any more about.

i mean, it's like i'm david bowie really, there's no riff or lyrics, but this one doesn't have anyone pretending to be david bowie over the top, which is the real prize of that song - why on earth would bowie make something that sounded like this? i suppose this song works as an insight into dildano's mind, but it would have been better as a hidden track between two others, like the wierd bits on 'whatever and ever amen' by bf5.

10. mr. johnston
i wasn't taught by mr johnston, so i didn't really get the reference. this sounds like nirvana.

11. windows and carpets
this is it, the genius track of the album. prize winning nonsense punk.

12. bang bang
another cover, and i don't think this works. it's quite funny and it feels right as a last track, but the song itself is a bit overbaked. but it's that nice quiet 'ending' to the album.

secret track.
how long can you listen to it for? i've often thought the best way to finish an album is by making the listener press stop.

2: crocodileopolis

1. sandy
instantly, it's obvious the band have changed since last time. this is the only cover on the album, and it's a proper reworking, instead of the jokey brat-core versions. there are synth noises in the mix. it's still intended for humour, as a metal cover of what sounds lyrically like a 50's do-wop song. and it kind of works

2. the ultimate price
and now we're into really different territory - only two albums into their career and already dildano are using acoustic guitars and bongos (later). it opens slowly, a patient strumming morrocon flavoured melody, with what sounds like one of those araby instruments, but it could be more synth. and then theres the obligatory grind ending, which i especially love on this track. it sounds good. this isn't right. this isn't what i expected from this band!

3. touching, opening ceremony
that is the very best song title on the album. more acoustic balladry, things that have been recorded properly, but not played quite right, layer upon layer. and a good chord progression!

4. don't be stupid
what the fuck? they've turned into weezer! close in flavour to '"doo"', but marginally less drippy, this is another track that can be credited to overdubs being used as an instrument in there own right, with the big train idea of 'do it until it's not funny, and then keep doing it until it's funny again'.

5. massive isreal
more great titlage, and another 'proper' song, with an actual riff. quite good.

6. on the wing
this is just great. a really good proper song that sounds good, and even mentions poo (i miss the fecal obsessions of the old days, but one must develop a taste). with it's experimental structure and sounds, it is an impressionistic tale of a pigeon caught in a net. fantastic and moving.

7. shickon
rock an' droll! a fine attempt at digital jap-core.

8. what is wrong with life?
you weren't meant to be a good band. you weren't meant to use bongos or have special sounds or catchy riffs. i don't normally like punk funk, but this is just the knowing side of cool. it's good. a different mix would sound great at an indie disco.

9. sweet as a man.
a lovely string arrangemed ballad, done quite straight, without even funny lyrics. tongue in cheek, but not sarcastic.

classic old skool metal, spinal tap style. the soundscape intro is really effective, but the breakdown isn't all it could have been. still kicks the shit out of the darkness though. this is the new classic dildano song, in some ways, certainly live it was mind blowing, especialy with the crowd getting behind it.

11. when satan flies
hilariously, riotously bad. this is what the old stuff sounds like done the new way - worse than it could have ever been before. it's great.

12. you don't know what you're doing
lovely hypnotic rock, with a great locust-esque blast-break, cut with some silly ska music, about two minutes into it's eight minute bulk. and it's very nice, very different to 'satan', with a good progressive edge.

altogether, it's marvellous how far this project has come. they've made the leap from a fecally obsessed 'crap pub covers band' to poole's most experimental brat-punk feel-good terrorists in a few short clichés. and i for one am very happy with that.

you can download some exclusives from their myspac, including what i think is their best song ever, 'tennis books'.

i don't want to do anymore today. i've got a job (!) to go to tomorrow so i need to sort myself out for that.

but have you heard the new berzerker material? ok, you've probably not. but it's weak. so, so weak. what went wrong? i know many people probably reading (sheesh, i'll be lucky [boy, i've not had a sheesha pipe for ages]) hated the berzerker, but everything that was good about them has gone. look at their rubbish new video. what's wrong? well, they've lost the masks and so now they look like boring, slightly pissed off people. you can suddenly understand luke kenny's lyrics, and they're terrible, he's gone all personal instead of angry at everything in the whole world. and he doesn't look scary at all. the song sounds like it's in a major key, and while it's still quite fast, it doesn't feel heavy at all (maybe that's just the compression). it feels almost jaunty.
compared to the absolutely crushing new decapitated song, it's just a bit pathetic. he's been retreading the same formula for the last two albums, which is basically the first album but cleaner. but it's ok, because there's a new cult of luna album out in two months, and it was recorded in the woods.


there's this episode of the muppets where fozzy starts doing jokes on any subject, so statler and waldorf shout out 'amoeba!'. fozzy ignores them.

here is my joke on the subject of amoeba.

did you here about the single-celled bomb disposal expert, who could negate explosive threats by osmosis? it de-fused them through a semi-permeable membrane!

not exactly off the cuff, but i'm glad i found the humour.


isy, red, and stavros, in satan's hollow

it was one of those nights. on my home from zine fest in manchester's 'the basement', and after, a drink in the excellent castle hotel on oldham street, i was abducted and taken to satan's hollow. that there on the right is stavros, a regular of the basement. this saucy old beggar kept pushing me into this girl who was trying to talk to me. he didn't understand that i meant we could fuck *with* her, not that i wanted to fuck her. you can't meet people in clubs. "hi, what's your name," she offered. we went through the usual rigmarole.
anyway, eventually i said, "and who are you?"
"i'm rachel."
"no, i said who are you, not what's your name."
"oh! i'm me!".
then 'there is a light that never goes out' came on, as if on cue, predicatably, and i said, "i have to dance now". if only they'd play ideoteque. i didn't speak to her again, which i feel quite bad about. she was harmless but misguided.
anyway, stavros loved u2's 'killing moon' and went and stood near two girls while it was playing.

anyway, that in the middle is red, who edited the pulse (sussex university's student glossy mag) , who i introduced myself to by saying, "i'm sure i've seen you organising something." i wasn't going to bother, i mean, one sees people one vaguely recognises infuriatingly regularly, but i noticed she had a sussex plastic bag (for some reason) which made it easier to place her. and then obviously i'm grilly that did a song for the pulse cd, so she then recognised me. we had a good long chat about the problems i think i have (but don't) in the castle.

and that on the far left is isy, which didn't mean anything to me at the time, other than that she was quite fun, but clearly, this being *zine fest* and her being from brighton, it's swedish nick's friend isy that does/did (?) 'morgunmuffel' that he gave a copy of. if only i'd known! but then if i knew anything about zines, i would have done, given that she was doing workshops at the event.

it's amazing what coincidences crop up when you hang out in what are evidently tiny circles.

it's not amazing that the basement reminded me a lot of other 'social centres' (their words), like the cowley club. there's a brand/meme distinction around here.

and now, inexplicably, i've got 'come together' by blur stuck in my head.

i should mention zine fest too; it was awesome. although due to restrictions outlined above, i couldn't enjoy it quite as much as some others, it was a spectacular turnout. all those people coming out of the woodwork for this one beautiful day, to swap and distribute zines.. i, a noob, was overwheled, not knowing where to start. it would be sensible for me to go down on a day with no festival, and just pick up some good looking piece of handiwork. or i could just not get involved at all. i would have taken photos but it seemed a bit rude.

p.s. stuck a few ore photos on flickr just now.


soap box 2: happiness

i think about happiness a lot. excuse me while i bash this out. i'm not sure if there will be a point to this at the moment, so please give me the benefit of a doubt in this, the second of my attempts to appear intelligent. i'm going to discuss three related concepts: water, money and happiness.

let's start at the begining with water. water falls from the sky. it is free. you cannot practically make more of it or less of it.

water is, however, mutually exclusive. if i have a cup of water, that's one cup of water in the world less for you. but what's interesting is that when i've finished with the water, you can have it when it falls from the sky again.

this is like money. money is mutually exclusive. but money has no value in the bank; it's just credit. it has to be spent to realise it's value. and all you can do to spend it is give it to someone else.

let's expand on this, as clever people say when they're explaining things. assume there are two people: one grows fruit and the other vegetables, and in a classic economist over-assumption, these are the only two products in the world. there's no need for money here, they just swap fruit and veg as they see fit. let's say there's a ratio of two veg to one fruit. now, these fruit and veg are truly mutually exclusive, and if i consume one, you can't. ever. no need for money now. when an extra person joins the community growing cotton, things get more complex, but still no need for money.

one night, these three are all round the veg grower's, drinking spirits distilled from fruit and veg. they are happy. they are having a good time together.
but imagine a situation where the original two are happy together. when the new person with her cotton turns up, they hate her. they've worked this clichéd barter economy for decades, they're not going to let an upstart like her cash in on their fun. they don't want to share their happiness. so they hurt her. they make herleave. it's the only way they can be happy.
this situation is sadist position, of getting off on someone elses misery. this is not healthy happiness. happiness is not mutually exclusive. me being happy doesn't stop you being happy. us being happy together is best of all.

to stretch the analogy, this is the difference between chimps and bonobos. chimps are cruel, nasty, bitter creatures who rape and bully and make themselves feel better only by taking it out on a smaller chimp. this hierarchy is built on the most miserable runtish chimps of the lot, right at the bottom, who are so unhappy they die quickly, and are then forgotten (please excuse poetic license). bonobos, on the other hand, share their love. conflicts are resolved by having sex. and at the heart of this dichotomy, i read, is resources, i.e. food, which are more plentiful in the central forests where bonobos live than the fringes where the chimps live. what a wonderful parable to teach us. happiness isn't dependant on money, it's dependant on food. and true happiness is that which makes other people happy too, not at their expense. we can all agree on that, can't we?

there are so many constructive things i could have done with this evening, but i've completely wasted it. it all went wrong with that dark matter documentry, a vacuous stream of graphics and the simplest science. that finished over an hour ago. maybe that's why i've had such a massive desire to get drunk the last couple of nights, because i knew i'd feel like this anyway. there's nothing like drinking, on your own, when you really want to. but for one reason or another i've restrained myself, and just got bored instead. it's too late to continue staring at this screen anyway.

and my right index finger feels like it's been burnt with bleach, but at least my athlete's foot has nearly cleared up.

i need to get out of here. i can't go anywhere in manchester without being reminded of happier times.


i have discovered: jazz

twice in a week. the first was footage of lester young on bbc's 'balderdash and piffle', illustrating the origin of the word 'cool'. i burst out into giggles of joy at his absolutely effortless style. the second was discovering that 'zorn', namechecked on an ephel duath press release, is the saxophonist john zorn, who performed with jazz-core-impro-grind act painkiller (and produced mr bungle's first album, and collaborates with patton from time to time). i came across his ten-cd 'masada' series in picaddilly records, and listened to the first track of 'aleph'. after five minutes, as the track drew to a close, i realised i completely loved it, although i didn't really understand what i had just heard. i just knew it was fantastic. so this marks the start of an epic journey for me.

i have also discovered my first girlfriend's myspace. no amount of name-googling could find her, and, as per, it wasn't it until i had given up hope (not that i had a burning desire to find her on the internet) that i came across her without even realising it for some time. i'm glad she still ranks herself as 'lesbian', and it wasn't just an ruse to break up with me, although for a while she could utter the unique line, 'i'm not straight but my boyfreind is'.

i stupidly bought the new fantomas/melt banana split single, a tiny (beautiful) square cd, smaller than the reciept, for seven pounds.

and yes, today is my birthday. i got good presents although p'haps too many as i don't think i deserve them, making me feel somewhat spoiled, which is also my earlist remembered emotion.

oh, and have you seen her lately?

..cause god, she's looking rough.


oxytocin: the cuddly hormone

Dr Boynton said: "This feeds into a 1970s view that when you meet it's all sparky, and then it's a downward trajectory to cuddles - which is seen as a negative.

"It is suggesting that what happens first is the best bit - and that isn't true."

She added: "I'm concerned that, having identified these hormones, there will be some move to suggest replacements to recreate the early passion.

and that is fucking sick. this is old news, i remember hearing at school that they'd identified that 'true love', as it was sold then, only lasted 18 months, or at least its hormone cocktail did, so i don't know exactly what is new about the research - probarbly stuff that's too hardcore biochemistry to print - but hormone replacement therapy for bored couples? that's bad, isn't it?

however, this has come along at just the right time to provide my last song name for my forthcoming e.p. of lost electronica:

  1. creative people have more sex partners

  2. impregnate all the women in china

  3. rape is a valid reproductive strategy

  4. oxytocin: the cuddly hormone

also, we'd better get the kid a album out, because easy dub all stars are going to 'do' ok computer. they're going to call the album 'radiodread'. can we have something equally terrible, like "brien o'ed"?

while i'm on the link path, brave captain's put his new album, distractions, online for free, which could be quite good, and it looks like our old friend astra will have a proper album out on a proper label this year. good on her.