Your Horoscope | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

the girls were reading out horoscopes, so i went to the onion and started giving them the readings without any mention of where it was from. oy, it's lucky i'm the only aquarius in the office:

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
All right, you son of a two-dollar bitch, try this one on for size: "This is a good week to start new projects." Is that ambiguous and nonconfrontational enough for you, you toothless horse-fucked simpleton? Well, is it?

stolen time

i meant to finish new boyfriend e.p. this weekend - newboyfriend part 1 (the first two minutes), plus four tracks i recorded last weekend. but thief (amongst other things) got in the way. what happened when looking glass became ion storm? so far the story arc of thief deadly shadows is:

garrett steals some stuff from some inbred nobles (this is normal and in character).
the keepers contact him and say 'we've got some BOOKS you'd like to read, but first you'll have to steal some stuff' and garrett says 'books? keeper books? with prophecies? my favourite!' (garrett would not say this. this is wrong.)
garrett breaks into the hammarite and pagan compounds, possibly killing many, stealing and causing havoc. he then recieves letters from the hammarites saying 'you have been sentenced to death, but we'd overlook it if you'd kill some bugs for us, and we'll magically upgrade your arrows to be able to do this as you read this memo.' an analogous, completely trivial request arrives from the pagans. this is nonsense. i doesn't make sense on its own terms.
i'm quite amused by the 'free-roaming' sections though - it's almost a parody of itself, like 'slade at home'. watch as garrett turns a simple trip to the shops into a stealth mission, but without the reward.
the missions are good though.

last night was richard james - very good, but all the songs did seem like gorky's b-sides. tonight is cult of luna. i will go in alone and cleanse my soul.

joined up thinking

why not use your spare computer power to find out about the effects of climate change?

i'd never been betrayed by someone with such good taste.

i couldn't install thief 2 in the flat; i didn't have privilages on my dad's computer, and there's a weird thing on it where if i start in my profile without going into his first, it does a funny thing and seizes up if you hold down any key. ultima underworld 2 was too demanding; i played it for five minutes and was terrified by the commitment it wanted. so it occured to me that, what with the x-box in the flat, i could go out and buy the faction-tastic theif: deadly shadows. i could do. i mean, i don't have to buy it, i could just see how much they want for it. so i pop into hmv, since there's no point in buying it from an indie computer game shop (if there is ever such a thing. what happened to future zone?). they don't have any copies of it. which is when i realise i have to have it now. fortunately, game have a pwned copy.

so then i walk down cross street, not my usual route home, and turn down king street in case i fancy going to sainsbury's. and there's jess nicols. i didn't notice her at first - well, i saw her, thought, 'she looks like jess nicols', and kept walking, but she called after me. we chatted, talked about the last five/six years in as short time as we could. she said i hadn't changed a bit, and that made me feel very odd indeed. i've been through so much since we lost touch, she can only have been talking about my mannerisms/look, but i felt saddened. i thought the same thing about her. my brain is a perpetual storm, and yet i haven't changed? i shouldn't dwell on it. but this is why i need to exegise.

so i went home, played the first couple of levels of thief:ds, got accustomed to the new (awful. [i hate consoles]) control system. made some poor pasta. played some more. felt the emptiness inside growing and gnawing (great word). should have finished this post yesterday when i could remember the point.

continuationed: oh yeah, so then, i slept really badly and dreampt that marion came back to me and dumped me again. i expect to bump into her one day, but i don't think i'll ever deliberately see her again. i dreampt i was on top of the manchester tower with vertigo, and the floor space was shrinking. i dreampt of other people i hadn't seen for ages, i can't remember what they were doing. i very very nearly slept through the alarm, waking up half an hour late as it was on it's last rattle. staggered into work just about on time. felt shit all day, stressed; even though i don't take pride or care in my work, it still gets to me. got home. another rubbish lonely night, but at least i got to speak to robin, who shot down my teaching idea like an experienced pro.

i just..

oh bugger. fuck it. i won't waste this weekend. i'll do something with it. weekends are fine, it's just the evenings don't seem long enough.

"you think too much."

she said.

"how much is too much?" i replied.

"shut up, david."

i have accepted my alter ego at work. it is okay for me to be 'david' there. i try to be grilly there too.

i literally punched the air and said "yes!" less than a minute ago, because i sucessfully et all of a marks and spencer ready meal. i rock!
now it's time for a bagel to stop me being any more hungry.
and then ultima underworld 2.

trainspotting

i am a junky. an incurable, life-long addict. it soaks me up into it and makes me forget everything else, both pleasures and aches. i can go for years without it, and only feel the odd pang, but when it comes back it's like it never went away. those crazy games.

i bought thief 2.

i only went into game because i had a few minutes and it was next door to somerfield. it was a fiver, coupled with thief 1 (not the gold version, dammit). it's beautiful. it's what i've been missing and i've indulged myself in it whenever i have had a chance this weekend. when i first started playing it struck me.. the opiate rush of relaxation (not that i've ever had opiates). i feel so much better now, and it quite worries me. i've not played a pc game since theif 1 last year. there are no hobbies, only lifestyle choices.

so speaking of hobbies, i've added another couple to my list. i've going to exegise. i have views that i hold to be sensible and self-evident, and yet people disagree with me. thus i feel the need to write down exactly what i think about the universe, and why, and see if it makes sense and stands up to argument.
this goes on the end of my list of endless projects. i've got the comic to write. i want to jeffery brown-ise my last relationship. become a serious website guy. 'on benefit' seems to be taking forever to finish, and i feel like i'm living someone else's fantasy with it - me, 6 months ago. it's not relevant anymore (it was never a concept album to start with). i'm completely confused as to who i'm making music for now. it was always just for me. if so, why compile it into an album? for my friends. but now that i'm moving towards selling out (in the least painful way possible) maybe i should just pile up demos to fall back on.

which brings me to my next sticking point - what the fuck i'm going to do.

a) drop out and grow crops. it's always an option.
b) do computer stuff. i've not found any work in it yet, but maybe i just don't know how to look.
c) teach. cirriculum or steiner?
d) music. (largely) beyond my control.


i got called 'brains' in the office the other day. i found that quite offensive. i did have my 'mind hacks' book in so maybe that didn't help.

jerry springer: the opera: what's all the fuss about? a critique

if you want to read the piece, it is here, but i cover all the interesting bits with direct quotations. maybe there was some stuff i missed.

the introductory paragraph is merely mild deprecation of the show, disapproving of it's swearing and portrayal of sexual deviants and perverts. so far, so much like the real jerry springer. it doesn't even have a 'not that there's anything wrong with that type of thing' disclaimer. the author clearly things that people who enjoy cacking their pants are a lowerr grade of person. but i digress.

paragraph 2, 'let's all have a laugh at jesus', is a straight selected description of act 2, which i would factually broadly agree with. jesus does say he is a 'little bit gay', mary is told she was 'raped by god' (actually, they don't tell her she was raped by god, more they declame it to the audience. a little poetic licence on the author's part) and she does 'rant' (more poetic licence.. she sings it. this is an opera remember) at jesus saying 'he abandoned her by dying on the cross'. is 'god is put across as an old fool whos needs therapy', which is not what i took from god in the play at all. the author confuses 'advice and a shoulder to rest on' with 'therapy' which is a different league of advice and shoulder support.

paragraph 3, 'more ridicule of the saviour'
'talk to the stigmata' is one of the most genius lines in a play in the last few years. in this paragraph is an open attack on stewart lee, who it is claimed "hate[s] jesus christ and christianity", thereby trying to force the play into hate-crime territory by moving it beyond the religion. yes, he refers to "judeo-christian "mythology"" (but without the added quotation marks around 'mythology'), which to be fair, is probably the bit of the play that i would expect christians to find most antogonising. but to be fair, just because a commitee wrote the myths down on a bit of paper, doesn't make them anything more than a myth. and to be put out at jesus in a nappy - well the christians are the ones who've been drawing him as such all these centuries! he wears a nappy all the time! that's why it's funny! that's the joke.

the next paragraph is where the author stops taking offence and starts hitting back, causing me offence in the process. it is titled 'not even a moral message'. it contains the sound-bite "jerry springer the opra is a hate show, pure and simple, designed to be as offensive as possible to god and to christians". all i can say is: 'you're so vain, you probably think this play is about you.' it claims that ""yin yang, no wrong, no right", that isn't a moral, let alone a christian message. 'no right or wrong' is amoral, the morality of hell." really? i thought that the devil was meant to be evil, not amoral. and to claim that the anarchic message is not moral is a mistake. we must define our own morals, and we must build heaven on earth, not wait to recieve it in death. i can see how christians would take offence at this - but was blake not a christian when he wrote 'jerusalem'? here too, we are shown the weakness of the author's argument: "that's where morality begins, by being god-centred and selfless." you simply can't argue with that, and that's the point, and the problem. to say that i can't have morals because i don't have a god is rubbish, and i would say the opposite of the truth. as a nihilist, i have no incentive to perform good acts. for me they are their own reward, they are worth doing because they are good in ways that are too broad to define here, not because they give me experiance points handed down by some heavenly games master that i can spend on a better afterlife.

"gratuitous offence"
"we christians take it personally when our saviour is insulted." why? can't he look after himself?
i raised this point with the girl with the stick outside. "if, as you say, this play makes god unhappy, why doesn't he do something about it?" "he allows it to happen", she said. then i asked her how she could tell what god allowed to happen, and what he willed to happen. and so forth, until my father started screaming at them, and i had to take him home. this paragraph also contains the absolute pearl of the pamplet: "people in peril naturally pray to god because they believe he has power to send a miracle. there are no atheists in a sinking ship".
it then gets heavy, unreasonable, and tries to rely on circumstantial evidence with the conviction of a madman. "jesus christ has been worshipped in the british isles for nearly 2000 years. we are to this day a constituionally christian nation." the whole second half of the pamplet is not about the play at all, but turns into another boring pamphlet about how jesus died for your sins and what you can do about it, which i can go into another time. but it was fun while it lasted.

stop pretending to be vegan and eat the fucking butter

rate my date rape.

i've had lots of interesting thoughts recentlys, so i should have some good lyrics coming out for once.

i had a lovely weekend at home, slightly marred by the shadow uncle anthony cast over saturday. i can't be bothered to go through the whole day's phone calls but suffice to say, he arrived at town end farm about half 11 to use our scanner because some urgent documents needed to be emailed to his girlfriend in brazil for her meeting with the british consulate. about an hour of his bank statements, tenancy agreements and business accounts later, we were emailing them off and he was leaving. not five minutes out of the door and the phone rang. it was quarter to one.
"'ello?? 'ello? is tony there?"
"he's just left, andresa."
"did you send those documents?"
"yes. we've just finished."
"oh, ok. sorry to disturb you."

oy, it's just lucky i was there at all. what on earth would he have done without me?
actually, if i hadn't have been there, i'd have been at the flat, which would have been a fuckload more convienent. so forget this paragraph.

hopefully i'll be able to drag a reportage of the topshop opening party out of my mind, but there was free booze of several kinds so while it was absolutely fascinating at the time, i can't recall much despite some crazy notes i wrote on my phone. i must get into the habit of taking a note book out again.

i'll be in london for may bank holiday

this is the best news ever. it's all worth it - i mean the capitalist system, all the politicians, the civil wars, the present system built for the desires of a few solipsists. because...

fantomas melvins big band
supported by ephel duath
london forum
1st of may.

let's all go.

i'm not going to buy a ticket yet, because i know i'm going to go, so i don't mind paying through the nose for one off a tout later. that's how excited i am.


however, this means i won't be coming to london for the other gig that excited the fuck out of me:

i just can't hang around london for that long, or come down that often.

i just found out about this 'easter weekend' thing as well. apparently i'm going to have to take two days holiday off! i was saving those! so i'll need to get away next weekend. i can't let this theft go unheeded. i may spend a long weekend at home, but if anyone has a better offer and seriously wouldn't mind having me around for a long weekend, tell me.

who do i owe a visit to?

what she said

'did you have a good beakend?'

and then today she was away to have her nose looked at by a doctor.

today i suggested peter's 'pint to rim' misnomer as a t-shirt. fortunately this was just as i was leaving so i had time to shut the door in the way of the flying crockery.

how to lose your identity

i talk to myself. does anyone else? surely you do. and you refer to yourself by name, don't you? and so, if dreaming of work - and waking up at least three times on saturday morning and thinking, no! don't dream of work! and then falling back asleep and doing it all again - was not bad enough, then calling myself 'david' has made me stop in my tracks whilst cleaning the flat (and how wonderfully clean it is now. i'd forgotten how rewarding it is to have clear surfaces). it's because no-one's around to call me grilly. so it was awesome that out of the blue, like a big gay jesus, peter descended on manchester. we went to manto's with his friend emily, which was a wierd, trashy dive of a bar, with an atmosphere five hours ahead of itself. i loved it. and i got a compliment on my hastily made "pessimism is a luxury we can't afford" t-shirt (making t-shirts rocks, especially when they used to be a 'cool' branded t-shirt that you turned inside out. this one was a 'computer love' shirt with a designer's republic style front saying 'computer love', wittily enough, which i got from work. but it was a lovely green so i thought i'd keep it. i saw a girl on a tram with a t-shirt that had 'geek' on the front, and i thought, oh that's quite cool, but then she had 'chic' on the back with 'computer love' in small letters underneath it, and i realised just how shit the brand was for making that t-shirt, and her for wearing it). drinks were on 2-for-1 so by the time we stumbled out for (shit, shit) pizza i was completely shicker. i had to go home to get a jumper. i stayed at home for couple of hours trying to sober up, during which time, jess rang! preparing myself with extra thick coat and hoody, as well as a good selection of cds for the short journey (i brought my painkiller album. i never thought i'd want to buy another painkiller album after getting the two-on-one disc collection in the earache 'jazz-noisecore' pack, but since i've realised how cool john zorn (sax) is, and last night i found out how cool bill laswell (bass) is, and there's a live album with patton on in piccadilly records.. i might have to get it..) so i went off to pete's mate's house's warming party and it was good.

before i set out, i quickly knocked pete up a mix disc. here is the tracklisting - mainly for you, pete, but also a guide to what i'm listening to at the moment (which is the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD):

tv on the radio - ambulance
this albums really grown on me, which is odd because i bought it thinking it was going to be great, and now i think it's good, but even positive thinking couldn't make it good at first. it just had to work it's way into my head. how does that work live? when you've only got thirty minutes to make an impression, how can you be a grower?
assfunk - oral contraception
ryan's clearly the star of this mixtape, appearing on three songs. i can't help thinking of my song 'ayufa' when i found out the title of this, with it's sample of the famous woody allen joke. i hope this song gets firmly implanted in your head as it did mine.
agoraphobic nosebleed - isis and boris
more akin to pig destroyer's 'natasha' than the usual anb (although i'm only judging off one album) (and scott hull plays guitar in both bands), i apologise if the volume on these first three tracks isn't quite normal, and hope you didn't crash your car when this song kicked in, pete (if you've got a cd player in your car, i mean). this song can and should be downloaded off anb's holding page
eels - i'm going to stop pretending that i didn't break your heart
just dead nice. i've rediscovered 'blinking lights' since getting the live dvd, which is generally better than the studio recordings.
john zorn - beeroth
a little yidski jazz.
charlottefield - clipper
still the best band in brighton? i've not been around.
euros childs - amsermaemaiyndod (live at king's arms, salford)
i linked to this before. i do believe that second shriek of glee is me.
seal cub clubbing club - P (ee/es) S / P (ee/e) M
i saw them supporting the brakes and christt, i did. and very good they were too.
assfunk - easter fugging
more spoof r 'n' b. i should point out that that's not all ass funk ltd (as they seem to be calling themselves now) do, but these two are probably the most instantly satisfying on the album.
mugison - the chicken song
there is no representative mugison song, but he is wonderful and strange.
nes advantage - this day is done
i've become quite addicted to 'the sounds of heart failiure: championship edition'.
alun tan lan - glaw
he's great and all.

if anyone who can't make this album themselves from there own record collection would like a copy, please leave a comment.