things were going quite nice, did you know that? i got a good mark back, i had a lovely birthday weekend, got some craking presents - the cutest cuddly lion (that i was whining about in co-op for ages) who i've called Beano or Rothko or something from laurence, a large-print Zola book from jess, a comic from a local drunk-obsessive from joel, gelt from the family and the well-tempered clavier and a russ conway cd from dan. i've never had any piano music to listen to before, and hofstadter goes on about bach so much and the 24 preludes and fugues series on bbc2 late night was great, and thank you very much (oh and whiskey from tom), and i had to go and spoil it all by trying to start a band fight with colourmap. i always take these things too far, and i got 'the worry' when i thought they might have read it and taken offence. they read it, look they say 'stop it grilly!' on their site. the worry got worse. i re-read the post and realised i hadn't really gone to far (had i?). all in jest. memories of russell preston ringing me up and asking what my problem was after i sent an email around taking the piss out of him, going back even further to trying to throwing a stick over my mums head, and hitting her just below the eye, and you think it'll be funny but when you do it it really isn't.
anyway, so it's freds vs. hermans, or mr. bungle vs. red hot chilli peppers all over again (and we know who won that one).
the situation may be exacerbated by the fact that for some reason, i no longer have any links to them. why would i do that? more fuel on the fire though.
have you noticed the difference between 'bodge' and 'botch'?
i've been synthing up recently, too. that's been good. i did a piece but it's too big to fit on geocitie's STUPID 5MB upload limit, and it's not worth putting on my real mp3 page.
i made a witty reference to fermat's last theorem in my computability and complexity class today. i think the tutor got it. thinking back, it's also not worth putting online. sheesh.
maybe i'm not worth putting online.
there's a person, too. i have these difficult feelings. i can't tell if i just want to fancy them, and i need something to fill the void of a simple batchelor life by pretending to have some aspirations, or if i really do like the person but my fear is buckling the feelings. i'm such an emotional cripple. i keep telling myself to medidate and clear my mind and then i'll know. but i won't.
and then i wake up and walk around a bit and then i think of them and wonder, does the time it takes for them to occur to you in the morning indicate how much you love them?
i think rothko is fucking with my head.