i seem to have got myself in a bit of an emotional pickle.

i'd lent marion there a cd, back when we talked. a release of m.j.hibbet and the validators complete with hand written note pad paper thanking me for my purchase, 'this is not a library', the title especially ironic to me as i decided to endevour it's return. this is an especially timely tale too, as mr. hibbett has just released his new album which i intend to purchase one of these days too, the mainstream-busting 'we validate!' (catch them on the evening session next monday). so ultimately, and consulting many friends, i sent her an email. having not spoken to her for what must be four months, i thought i'd keep it dry, impersonal and civil. 'there is nothing to say', i thought, 'so i will say nothing.'

one might wonder why i wanted the cd back at all. is it worth that much? let her hold on to some detritus. i can always buy it again.* but there's no reason why she should have it, and no reason why it should be a difficult matter to get back something i didn't mean for her to keep.

so i emailed her a plain and simple request for the cd, with no subject, signing off with 'ta'. and today she replied, a simple, civil reply. and i thought, oh god. look what i've done. for months there was silence; but a tacit silence, not a deliberate silence like ignoring each other in the street. but now i've made the lack of communication look so contrived, so particular, and made out that i am happy for it to be so. oh, i've got to learn the hard way, haven't i? i should have just left it. but now i so regret writing. and i want to reply, tell her i'm sorry for the way things turned out and it wasn't my idea, but leave it obvious that she doesn't have to read it.

shut up, grilly! shut the fuck up! no-one wants to read this garbage!

*oh shit, i've just convinced myself that this is what i should in fact have done. god i'm such a dick. so it gets worse. should i backtrack, send another email and say, 'nah, keep it'? oh the tangled webs we weave.. if i do then it looks like it was all a ploy.

on a completely unrelated point, i know there's already been 'myspace: the movie', but i'd love to remake charlie and the chocolate factory supplanting willie wonka with tom and the chocolate factory with his shitty office.
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