blasphemy

i dreampt this morning that i was at the best music festival ever. that wasn't the remit, i remember there being lots of bands i could happily ignore, but ooberman and zabrinski were both playing. during zabrinski's first set some girl (no-one i've ever met) was all flirty with me, ruffling my hair and so forth. then pondman came on close the set with 'let me be still'. gorwel owen was wearing a mask. then, in the vip area high above the stage, damon albarn's asian girlfriend was a touch flirty with me too. a band called 'the bravery' came on stage, and since i don't know anything about them, they came on as a 22 person vocal group. i was fighting against waking up, but it couldn't be stopped, and happily, before my alarm went off.

then i got a rejection letter from the job i wanted.
which filled me with disappointment, and wierdly, relief. because all of a sudden i didn't know if being tied down to brighton is what i wanted. to be honest, i'm pretty sick of this town. aside from being in a period of massive redevelopment, i.e. they're building a huge new starbucks and a load of offices, i never found brighton that interesting, it's just a bunch of shops. laurence is threatening to move to copenhagen in january and i don't know if thom is ever going to move in. i never wanted to stay here forever and now i don't know if i want to stay here for very long at all.

yeah, laurence is thinking of moving to copenhagen. which prompted me to think one day, "you see what you could have? no, i see what i could never have."

ed asked me, so you've given up on women? yeah. i've trained myself to not care. i can now go to a fashionable drinking hole or coffee bar and not stare at them, and i can leave without thinking "damn." i've developed a tough shell, although my yolk is still drippy as the dream shows - i can't change my instincts, but i can change my thought patterns.
andy asked me, which is more pathetic? giving up, or not giving up? i.e., given a hopeless situation, is it better to admit it's hopeless and not try to get anywhere or deny it's hopeless and not get anywhere? however, neither decision is pathetic, it is the situation that is pathetic. my traditional answer would be, 'since the outcome is the same, you might as well try in case your assumptions are wrong.' that doesn't apply here.

is a middle ground possible, of hard skin and yet opportunism? i'm not so sure it is. to find someone, i must be hungry, and my romantic appetite has starved to death.
of course, the zen answer is inaction - don't try and it will come to you. this comforts me, i just wish i hadn't consciously realised it.

all this is bloody irrelevant. don't you make you're own luck? er, not when you don't meet anyone. ah. i see what i did there. gods. i give up.

in other, excellent, news, fred and molly are due a baby in january. isn't that great?