Monday

a thouroughly long week part two: it all goes to shit

so on friday i lost my bloody job. they said i'd ran out of work, and being a temp, that means they can just tell me not to come back on tuesday. they might still call about the permanent role it was meant to turn into... i'm not going to hold my breath.

i was suspicoious of the job, but it sounded good. temp to perm, they said, at least a month. i thought, it could just be a nonexistant carrott to get some schmuck in to do some data entry. well when i was there, there was someone who was being trained up, so i had to wait my turn and in the meantime they can just let me wander the streets.it's a far cry from the month i worked at manchester uni with actually nothing to do. before they moved us around. come back public sector, all is forgiven.

there are two alternatives: either they didn't like me, so they pretended there was no work and will find someone else to do their dirty capitalist psuedo-business, a chart pop loving, school disco going, straight; or there was actually not as much work as they thought. in which caes, did i just do it to quickly? is that me trying to convince myself i was sacked for being too good, as a defence mechanism?

anyway, it really got to me and i got upset. i just wanted the weekend to be over already. i think london wears me down; i can't cope with things here like i can elsewhere. i don't have as much emotional armour. i went and hung out in shops for a couple of hours then met ed underneath freddie at tcr. i put on my walkman on leavng work, and painkiller's 'devil's eye' came on, which was exactly how i felt. so we went drinking. had one or two then went to meet my lovely friend robin, and hung out in gay pubs in shoreditch. the joiner's arms is a aright jolly place, they have one of those virtual jukeboxes with 2 million songs. a pound a play.. but you get the actual song you want. i put 'miserable lie' on, which somewhat went against the grain of the pub but was absolutely essential. went home at a reasonable time.

the next evening was ian's official birthday. his unofficial, i.e. actual, birthday will be thursday. but it's a saturday night, it's dinner in the dove and then off to after school club. luke came down; i met him at tcr and we waitied for a bus. within a couple mof minutes it became obvious that the tub ewould haver been a better idea. i'm not very good at choosing even when i can decide. we came back and had tinned spaghetti on toast, with halloumi on the side for me. ian, his sisters, thalia, and luke went to the dove for tea. i hung around for the shower, played open-tuned guitar and ablotued. katie got back and made tea, i packed my dancing shoes and caught up with the others. we were drinking, and drinking some more, and luke was telling me about his cream competition with andrew. i mentioned i have another friend who once said her favourite food was squirty cream. luke asked if he could send her a text, and i said, sure, just let me read it before you send it. well i was somewhat taken aback by quite how inappropriate what he'd written was. i told him so, and also to put a reference to me at the begining not the end, and let me read it again before he sent it. but in an action i cannot comprehend, he sent it, after removing any mention of me at all. i was distraught. and completely baffled as to why he'd think his actions were funny, and not horriffic. in between the sending and the delivery, i wrote out a complete explanation and apology, and waited for it to go through. i had a... terse response from her. very mature and level-headed, much more than me.i sent another apology, spoke to luke briefly about it, then asked him not to speak to me for the rest of the night.

i actually had a really good time at after school club, although i largely danced alone until jez and adrian arrived, since ian's other friends seemed to be more interested in being static. and not speaking to a friend is always difficult, but it really was the best way for us to get on - any attempts at positive interruptions i was finding really quite irritating. i left early, as i had done last time, just because at two i'd had enough.

sunday was rubbish. mopey and dim and rotten. i finished off the block of halloumi for breakfast. booked a practice room for tuesday, and walked round to check it out. et chips and bean sfor tea, watched an absolutely rubbsih program about rock and fell asleep.

i don't know where this thing with luke will end up. but enough disconbobulatoin
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