Count Dooku is the worst supporting villain since Darth Maul. They're both total nothings, but while Maul has no character but a face for lunch boxes, Dooku is played by the most prolific actor ever. How did George Lucas manage to squander yet another massive talent? Let's see my lovelies...
Oh and I'm writing this from memory because I don't wanna sit through these crap movies again. I'm sick of editing this stuff down so it looks as though everyone hates George Lucas allatime. I don't need to be watching these crappy films in order to know how bad they are - I'll just have a quick look at the wikipedia pages and ignore everything they say about all the books, and comics, and video games, and popcorn buckets cause none of that shit matters, I don't care if they explained it all in the books it don't matter.
Number one: COUNT Dooku?
The first two things we find out about Dooku are that he's a count, and that he used to be a jedi. A count? A count of what exactly? We don't need to know, I guess, because we never get told. I guess he's a count like Leia is a princess and Padme is a queen, even if being a democratically elected queen totally defeats the point of having that title. It's just a fancy title to make the thing feel more like The Princess Bride... you know, all fairy tale and stuff. Which is why there are so many amputations and decapitations in these movies.
Hey waidaminute... Count Dooku? Like, Count Dracula? One of Christopher Lee's most famous roles? Is that a coincidence? Or did Lucas think, Hey, we've got Christopher Lee over to do some prancing about in front of green screens while I sit and drink my coffee, why not get everyone to call him 'count'? Cause then it will remind people of that other, good film he was in, and that might make people like this piece of crap more. I'm surprised they even bothered with Lee, and didn't just hire Jerry Nelson to do a voice for a cartoon lobster or something.
Cause, you know, Jerry Nelson performed The Count? In Sesame Street? And Frank Oz was on it too, playing Bernie, so it's not that implausib
Number two: The fallen Jedi
So the very second thing we find out is that Witchfinder Dooku used to be a Jedi. Whaaaaat? Since when did people leave the Jedi Order? We've seen these kids being indoctrinated with this monastic bullshit since they're babies, and then one guy just decides to quit? and he's allowed to keep his lightsaber and all his powers, and all of the other Jedi are like, "sure, quit, that's cool, see you around bro." This makes no sense. You wouldn't just let ex-jedi wander about the galaxy, like some rich kid of holiday. If he left the order, if the other jedi didn't kill him on the spot, then they'd at least keep a pretty close eye on him. And who knows, maybe this incredibly powerful ex-jedi would be a prime candidate for this dark lord of the sith that we keep hearing about who never seems to show up anywhere or do anything except by carrier pigeon. Maybe it's that one guy who learned all the jedi powers, then left and became an evil count. Could he be the secret enemy? or does Sidious force powers hide even more of the plot from the good guys than we realised? So that they're not just not allowed to think about Palpatine being a Sith, but they're not allowed to have any intelligent thoughts at all?
So how did Dookie lose his faith, or whatever? Once again, we're told something interesting, and just expected to swallow it. You've skipped the interesting bit, asshole, and moved straight onto the boring exposition. Show us his fall, why he has gone evil. Otherwise he's just some guy who we're expected to believe is a bad just because he's a Count. You could invest something in your characters you idiot, Show, Don't Tell. Go back to film school you just broke the most important rule of fi
The thing is, Chris Lee is a damn good actor, and he's up for anything, no matter how cheesy. So why waste him on this nothingy character? Hey idiots, why not make Dooku the main villain? And while you're at it, Since we're calling him 'Count', Why not go the whole way and totally rip off Dracula? Why not have Anakin and Padme taking their honeymoon in Spacevania, and they go to stay at Count Dooku's Spooky Castle, where the evil Fallen Jedi nearly seduces them to the dark side, and locks them up. Then they could find out that Dooku has been breeding clone troopers to attack Numenor.. oh, wait... that's that other other christopher lee film.
Number Three: Darth Sharku
So at the same time as making this, Christopher Lee was filming The Lord Of The Rings, where Lee played Saruman, who was... a fallen Wizard. Given that Gandalf is pretty much the complete model for Obi Wan and Yoda, a scene where Kenobi and Yoda and Dooku fight is going to be pretty fuckin' similar to a scene where Gandalf and Saruman fight, isn't it?
Well no, because Lucas is such an idiot that he can't even rip things off right. See, in the LordoftheRings film, Saruman is the head of the council, like Yoda, but fallen, like Anakin, because he was seduced by the power that Sauron could give him. It's pretty much a complete analogue. So when Gandalf visits Saruman, realises he's lost his way, and they fight, the scene is beautiful because while they're using magic to move each other around, there's a pretty brutal, raw feel to it all, not to mention the pain of Gandalf having to swallow his disappointment that his master and friend has turned. If Saruman can't resist Sauron, how will Frodo? worse still, how will Gandalf? There's a lot at stake in this fight. It's a subtle fight scene that is both physical and mental. When Yoda fights Dookie, there's no mental edge to it at all, just two computer generated things bouncing off the walls. You don't even get a sense of the pain anybody feels, even when hands get cut off.
It's just so crushing that yet again, Lucas could have made so much more of this character, and totally failed it. It would have been cool if Dooku Manchu dealt with the two younger jedi physically, but then when Yoda showed up, stashed his laser sword and knelt, ready for a meditative battle of wills. This would have been a really good opportunity to use some of those Computer Generated special effects that lucas loves so much, to illustrate what's going on in the force between these two characters. They should have settled their scores with a massive psychic game of Go. Show us elemental Krayt dragons savagely fighting Rancors to the death as a metaphor for the inner struggle they are experiencing. It would have been a beautiful scene, in keeping with yoda's character and showing Dooku's inner strength, and maybe that there is a balance between the darkside and the light side.
Aw fuck it, let's just have little cartoon yoda jumping round the place so that it looks like what he said in the future are the bitter words of a loser jedi. Cause that's what star wars is all about, that in order for the little guy to win, he doesn't have to believe in himself, he just needs to be able to move his laser sword around real fast.
I've been thinking hard about, y'know, hiring Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor, Ian Mcdarmid, Frank Oz, and Christopher Lee to make a space opera movie, that if you squinted, could fill in for the star wars prequel films we wanted and really deserved. But you know what? For all his previous meddling, horrible filling-in of gaps and such forth, I'd love to see an SW film set between 4 and 5, where Vader goes investigative and finds out exactly who this character who beat him in space combat was . Lucas had basically painted the plot into a corner - Vader had to have no idea that he had children, but had to have fathered them. Tricky situation. Plus, for some reason, Luke is in hiding, and Leia is in full-on public life; clearly some ret-conning went on to make them brother and sister. So vader has to find out that luke is is son, but not Leia, who he lets go. This doesn't make any sense. But still, It'd be nice to see Vader's reaction to the news that he has a son, his realisation that Sidious lied to him, and the start of his plotting to overthrow the Emporer. It must be a fascinating revelation, for someone who until the end of Empire, has really not much personality.
I'd also like to go as far as de-lucasing even the original trilogy, and copy-pasting wookies onto all the child-friendly ewoks he replaced them with (you know how Jedi was meant to take place on Kasshyyk, right?). I mean, why stop with the new films, when there's seeds of his madness in the original trilogy. Take them back, I say. They're our films now.